And i thought i was insane... http://www.emuxhaven.net/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif J/k, nice touch KSK.
Anyway, here it is. I´ve written two different versions, one at home and one in school. I´m gonna combine the two soon.
The day of the Hamsters
My name is Eric Granger, and this is my incredible story. Believe it if you wish, but it is a true story, really!
It was a Sunday like any other. As usual I was out working in the garden of my house in the suburbs of Albuquerque. It was a sunny day, like made for being outside. Nonetheless, I shall begin my story. As I was almost done watering my begonias I heard the phone ringing from inside my house, and I went to answer it. Just as I got inside the door, my answering machine started. It wasn´t a voice I recognised, but it sounded awfully familiar, sort of like my neighbours´ hamster Fluffy, who disappeared a few days ago. The voice was very squeaky and annoying, but I managed to make out five words: Watkins, gather army, armour and conquest. I figured it was a prankster making phoney calls and thought nothing more of it until the evening, when I heard on the nine-o-clock news that hamsters and other assorted rodents were disappearing nation-wide. “Hehe, I thought. I guess they decided to band together and take over the earth”. A few hours later I went to bed, but as I was going to say goodnight to Watkins, my hamster, I noticed that he was out of his cage. “Ah, well”, I thought, he wasn't a particularly good pet. All he ever did was run around in his cage looking like he had never seen the part of the cage he was in before. So I went to bed, and nothing more happened that day, or that was what I thought.
The next day, I woke up strangely stiff, and found that I couldn´t move an inch. I tried to call out for help, but I had a sock in my mouth. I figured someone had broken in and was robbing me blind, and tried to struggle loose. The results were not those I was hoping for, and I soon ended up facedown on the floor. I just had time to think: “Look at all those pretty stars” and hear a squeaky voice shout something like: “What the hell??” before I passed out.
I don´t know how long I was unconscious, but when I woke up I found myself at tied to a chair in my kitchen. This time my mouth was not tied up, and I tried screaming for help. Then I saw that the clock was ten AM, and my neighbours had probably all gone to work. This realisation did not make any sense to me at the moment, however, and I just kept screaming. Suddenly, a loud squeak woke me from my panic. Then the panic overwhelmed me again. This time I not only screamed, but my chair also hit the floor violently. After a few seconds I started wondering if what I had seen wasn´t just a fiction of an overactive imagination. Had I really seen Watkins in some kind of metallic armour, shaped like a small humanoid?
- “Nah, I´m dreaming, I´m dreaming, I´m definitely not dreaming, I´m definitely not dreaming, mommy, mommy!”
Those were my thoughts as I realised that it WAS Watkins, and he WAS sitting in a powered suit of some sort. He was leaning over me, and he said four words that really spooked me:
- Hey, boss! You ok?
Actually, the very fact that he spoke at all was enough to spook me.
I wondered: Have I gone nuts? Is he speaking to me? Then I tried screaming again, but I soon realised I had been screaming enough to make my vocal cords feel like dry lasagne plates. Then I realised that he wasn´t talking to me, but rather something under my head. I felt that something was moving underneath it. Suddenly, as the panic had started spreading, something bit me in the back of my scalp, and I instinctively pulled it upwards. A small figure crawled out and up into the hand of the machine. It looked awfully like the neighbours’ hamster, Fluffy, but it was dressed in a purple cape and had a crown made out of golden paper on its head.
It squeaked “Idiot” and hit Watkins over the head. Once again, I lost consciousness, not so much because of the shock of the bite than over the whole situation.
I was unconscious for a while, and then I came to for long enough to hear Fluffy repeat his plans to Watkins:
- You stupid dolt! I´ve told you a million times! We are to conquer the world, and to do this we want to take control of all the less intelligent hamsters, and put them in our Hyper-AM Super Type E RoboSuits. Then we shall conquer the world!
- Ohhhh, now I see! We want their cheese, huh boss?
- Nooo, Watkins… We want.. Ah, never mind. Their *cheese* shall be ours!
- Yeah, boss!
At this point, I severely doubted my sanity, and I was five seconds from starting to think I was a teabag when I mercifully enough passed out, thinking: “This is getting ridiculous”.
When I came to, I was lying in the exact same position as I had when I passed out, but my ropes were gone. It had become dark outside, the clock was somewhere around ten PM, and my head was aching. A police officer was half-sitting by my side, and seemed to look at me with extreme scepticism and disgust. I asked him what the matter was, and he coldly replied:
- We got an anonymous tip that you had passed out drunk in your home, so we sent over a patrol car and found you like this.
Drunk? I ain´t drunk! I half-shouted. Then I noticed the ten or eleven half-empty bottles of liquor on the bench, and that I was indeed feeling quite a bit woozy. I realized that the hamsters must´ve force-fed me those bottles when I was asleep, and that the officer now hadn´t a reason to believe me. This, once again, didn´t make sense to me, and I told him anyway. The results should be pretty obvious:
- Suuuuure, fella. I think you need to rest for a while.
Despite my protests about the hamsters invading, I ended up in the town jail, with a guy who kept insisting that the radioactive chickens from Alpha-Beta-Gamma forty-nine-something were coming to take over all existence. But I didn´t believe him. I knew the truth. The hamsters were coming. Then I realised how insane that sounded, and went to sleep.
The next day I woke up with a splitting headache, and I soon realised that it wasn´t just the severe hangover, but also the fact that I had five hamsters sitting on it, squeaking loudly. I pushed them aside screaming something like:
- Get away from my noggin you darned rodents!
And they did just that. They jumped off it and started chewing on my kneecaps. I jumped up and ran over to the barred door, all the time screaming the classical symphony of pain: “AAAARGHHH! GET THEM OFF ME!! GET THEM OFF ME! AAAAARGHHH!” as the hamsters chewing deeper and deeper into my knees, but that was the least of my troubles. When I looked out I saw the policeman who turned me in shooting at something with a sawed-off shotgun. Then I heard a ricocheting noise, like it had hit something really hard. Then one of the robotic things that Watkins had been in stepped in and grabbed him by his neck. He fired off a round, and it would almost have hit me, if I would still have been standing at the door, and if I wasn’t already hiding under my bunk bed. Then the robot-thing broke through the door and aimed a strange weapon against me. I noticed that it was Watkins who was sitting at the controls. He smiled. (Don´t ask how a hamster can smile, but he did, I´m sure).
Then it happened, I woke up.
I got out from under the bunk and realised that it had all been a dream, created by the alcohol, which the hamsters had forced into me. I also realised that I must still be having a hangover, since there was indeed three hamsters sitting on the sink in my cell. I screamed, and a guard came along. The hamsters were gone, and I earned myself another day in the slammer. I got out around seven pm, and noticed that everything was all right. I went over to my usual pub, the Belching Lion, on the other side of the town, a shabby little place, but the beer was the cheapest for fifty miles. The pub was unusually lively tonight. In either case, it all seemed to be a fairly normal night as I was drinking to forget. Like that would work. In fact, the hamsters seemed all the more real for every beer. Soon everyone in the pub had the face of a hamster, and after an unfortunate “accident” involving peanuts, a keg of beer and a very large spoon, I was once again in my ordinary cell in the local jail, only this time it was fuzzier around the edges. This time my neighbour Howard Barker was they’re too, but it seemed he had a twin or two. He was wearing his usual plaid shirt, and a pear of worn jeans. Only thing really different about him was that someone seemed to have taken a bit of his shirt. I asked him what he was in for, but he just mumbled something about hamsters or something. Then I realised that he might have been through the same thing they did to me. I tried to get something useful out of him, but the only thing I could get out of him was not only totally useless and unidentifiable, but also very gross. I decided to wait until morning before I try to get some sense out of him.
In the morning, after the same old drunken dreams, I woke up feeling great. For a minute, that is. Then my hangover hit me once again. As the day progressed it felt like my head was slowly repairing itself. Slowly I managed to take my hands of my forehead and get up from the floor. Howard seemed to be feeling even worse than I was, but he managed to groan out a quiet “Howdy, neighbour”. I quickly asked him what he was doing in jail, and the answer was fairly psychotic, but it was easy to foresee.
- Fluffy… Groan... Hit me over the head with something... I saw him as I passed out… He was in some kind of armour, with parts that looked like those missing from my car.
I thought: “That explains where they got the parts, but how did they manage to assemble it, and how are they going to get enough parts for a H.A.M.S.T.E.R.S. for every hamster in the US?” I asked him if anything else had disappeared after he woke up. He answered with a low, pained voice:
- I dunno, Eric. I just woke up here five minutes ago.
- But Howard, didn’t you hear them talk about anything?
- No, I don’t think so…
- You sure?
- Yeah, I think.
- Positive?
- Definitely.
- Are you absolutely, one hundred percent positive?
- Eric! Be quiet, my head is killing me!
Then I remembered. Howard had always been very sensitive to alcohol, and if the hamsters gave him the same amount of liquor they gave me, he's lucky to be awake. And right now, his luck ran dry and he passed out cold.
The day passed slowly, and it was pretty quiet aside from some quiet moans from Howard, and the occasional hallucination. Around five the officer came into the cell and told me that I was free for today. I asked when he would let poor old Harold out, and he replied, “Not today, that’s for sure, now you go home, and stay away from the bottles!”
I simply replied “Yeah, yeah, whatever” and got out of there.
I knew I had to go home right away, since there was no telling what the hamsters might have been up to. My stomach was aching, though, and I decided to buy something to eat first. I thought I’d go out and get my favourite snack, some pomegranates. When I got to the only store in town that sold them, the front window was smashed in, and there wasn't a soul in the immediate vicinity. I saw through what was left of the window that the only thing that had been stolen was their entire shelf of pomegranates. “Hmm, odd…” I thought and went home.
When I got home, I grabbed my shovel and moved into the house commando style. I was sort of relieved to find that everything was just as it usually was, the laundry was in a heap on the kitchen floor, there was a five feet high stack of dishes on the broken dishwasher, the third wall had collapsed… The look on my face slowly changed as I realised that it hadn't been that way when I “left”. I figured the hamsters must have done this somehow, but I couldn't understand why. In either case, I thought I'd chew down on a pomegranate I had in the refrigerator. It should be perfect to eat now I thought. When I opened the fridge, it was a mess. Not only did it look like most of the food had mutated into new life forms, but the pomegranates were gone!
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